Loves of our lives

So...back in my hometown my friend, Jane, just lost her two granddaughters, Haley (10) and Zoey (6) at the hands of their father.  After his wife, Maggie, left for a medical mission trip in Belize, he and the girls got in the car in the garage and never left.  He murdered them and committed suicide with carbon monoxide. 

Why, oh why, Lord, would someone do this to his/her children, to the family, to themselves?  

I live out of town, so I'm out of the loop except for what I've heard from my mom and read on the blog of the girls' aunt, link.  Mom says they are all so strong.  Phil. 4:13, which says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," has a whole new light.  They made the girls' memorial service this past weekend a celebration of their lives.  Praise God for the sweet life they had together that Maggie and the rest of the family can remember.  The loves of their lives.

After my mom called with this terrible, horrific, sickening news I asked Josh why would God let this happen?  He quoted one of his professors, saying, "There is no understanding sin.  It's fundamentally absurd.  There has been no sense in it since the moment Adam and Eve bit the fruit."  Smack.

How dare I question God?  Forgive me, Lord, for my sin.  I know that He will get the glory, and I can't wait to see how.  

I've been trying really hard this week to love my boys, the loves of my life, better and more fully.  I lose my temper with them way too often.  I don't ever give them enough grace.  I don't spend enough time with them.  I'm not a good example.  They WILL know that I love them, though, no matter how badly I fail them in every other aspect of their lives.

So...my Sweet Cheeks (Leo).  He's 3 now.  Oh my.  I have three sons!  I'm a mom!  Do you ever have those moments when you're just grooving along through life, and you realize you have someone amazing right at your feet (literally :)?  This scoundrel really pushes my buttons sometimes, but come on, how can you not love this face?  He's so smart and such a sweetheart.  After looking at this picture, I'm going to have to go smooch him.  Thank you, God, for my boys. 

The Conference

So...Josh wants to go to the Trinity Arts Conference.  It's one of those things that seems soooo great for him.  For those of you who don't know my Josh, he's a really talented writer.  This would be a really great experience for him to learn and get some good critical advice.  He loves to soak up information, and he could really use some time to just get away and be.

On the other hand, I'd be all alone with the kids for four days!  Don't get me wrong; it's not that I don't love my boys, but doing everything alone for that many days....  Also, I want to go too!  If I go, however, we would have to find someone to watch the boys.  In my mind that just seems impossible, especially since Finn will still be nursing then.  I don't know that there are many wet nurses around anymore.  

What to do?  Should I tell him to go in peace?  Is there some way for us both to go?  Should we both just get over it, and trudge along in our writing careers (if we can consider them careers)?  We joke all the time about one of us writing that one perfect novel that will take care of us for life.  Harper Lee did it; why can't one of us?  Could we do it on our own without professional insight?

I think I've talked myself through it.  Josh should go.  And maybe, if something miraculous happens, I can too.  Happy planning, babe.